i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
