mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
