actually, I'm a sock model
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
