I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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