I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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