i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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