I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
