I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
