My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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