I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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