My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
