I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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