Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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