It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's blow job season.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
