im six kinds of drunk right now
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
