Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
