Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
