foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dick very happy bro
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
