I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
