my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
