Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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