I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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