I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
