I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
