I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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