haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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