Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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