I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
