I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
