I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I cockslap morals
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
