Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
