dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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