I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
