when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
