A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
