and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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