I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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