I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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