I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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