She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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