Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
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