there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
