You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
