If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
