so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
