my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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