It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
