Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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