It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
