If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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