Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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