I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
