I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
