I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
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Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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