I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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