My hand turned me down
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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