Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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