This girl is more easily done than said...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
