My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
