So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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