All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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