I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
