And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
