9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
