I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
