Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
